Sometimes I can't help but get down on myself and wonder if I picked the wrong field to study. I got my BA in Environmental Studies and am currently working on my Master's of Science with no jobs in sight. Especially no jobs in sight now with COVID-19. Don't get me wrong, I am glad I am safe at home and that other people can be safe at home. But I also had high hopes of being able to find a job in the field that I have been dreaming of being a part of for so long and have worked hard to become a part of. I am scheduled to graduate in December of this year, but where I stand now financially, I am not sure that I will even be able to achieve that.
Recently, I was contacted by a place I had sent an application to and they asked me for a phone call. I was so excited. I thought for sure I was at least being consider for a position. Why else would a business ask for a phone call? So I scheduled my phone call and waited anxiously for it. I did my research, learned about the specific Environmental Management System they used, prepared the skills I had that could relate to their specific business. I had all my ducks in a row. I barely slept the night before out of nerves. I waited for the clock to hit 11:30 and for the phone to ring.
Then my phone call happened. One of the first words the man said to me was that there were no job openings currently available. My heart dropped. I thought, why are we speaking over the phone now then? Why are you wasting my time? Everything I had planned immediately went out the window. It was supposed to be a 30 minute phone call which ended up being 45 minutes, with me talking for less than 5 minutes total and him going on about the water treatment facility and how a position MIGHT open up in the future and how I could "literally get my feet wet" starting working at the company. I tried to ask specifics about the job and he couldn't give me any and deflected by offering me a tour. I originally said yes, but later emailed saying no. I said I have no experience with that, as in actual NO EXPERIENCE, but that didn't matter. My skills would be useless and all he could describe was sludge removal from lagoons and how it could be a "resume builder", why did you call my resume impressive then?
This whole situation was extremely embarrassing for me. Here I was putting myself out there, then thinking I had a shot, then being offered a position that, not only did not exist, but was also so low a skill level that other companies look for people with high school degrees or equivalent to do the job. I was so embarrassed and felt humiliated. Here I was with a big list of skills on what they called an "impressive" resume, and this was my offer? A non-existent job, with no salary offer, no day to day responsibilities to state, and not utilizing a single thing I put on my resume? For something that might not even happen. My mind could not wrap my head around what happened.
I suppose I was one of those people who had high hopes of being able to save the world in one way or another. I thought that I would find a job that made me feel like I was doing something worthwhile and important. That my reason for existing was to help ensure the planet continued to exist. And when things look as grim as things are right now... I can't help but feel I made some mistakes in my life. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. When something like this comes along and hits you in your ego it makes you question if you are in fact better than that or if all you are ever going to be worth is a body to move sludge.
But maybe that is also just a feeling my generation has in general. Sure, some Millennials were lucky to find jobs and be able to support themselves and start families. But how many of us are doing what we actually want to be doing? Maybe that is something I will have to accept. Maybe all the studying wasn't worth it. Maybe I just know a lot of information that will never get me anywhere besides behind a cash register or worse. And Maybe I just need to learn how to accept that. I really hope this isn't true. But for now, I've just been feeling down lately... and I think it's okay sometimes to just let yourself feel what you feel in order to move past it. I'll get there eventually, but for now I just want to curl up in my blanket and forget the rest of the world for a while.
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